i have a song in my mind
in my mind i have remixed it
why is this important you may ask?
because it is interrupting my thought process
here i am trying to write a nocturne and all i can think
about are the words to this song.

dove blow
coke roll
heart break
hands shake
me speak
freak speak

do you ever wonder why you are alone?
i do.
i wonder every day why i am.
is it me?
or is it them?
why does it have to be like this?

do i depress you?
do i make you feel depressed?
i’m screaming at you.
i’m screaming at everything.
i want to cut you
like a sharp knife would pour out your guttural insides.
you couldn’t speak any more
you wouldn’t laugh anymore.

you may be asking yourself

do i want to kill?
i can honestly tell you the answer is no.
but do i want to end this?
if i could have an easy way out.
not suicide
that’s not actually easy.
but just an easier way out.
something easy.
i would want to take it.

so until then, i will keep asking myself
why i’m alone?
why does it have to be like this?
do i depress you?
do i make you feel depressed?

dear mr. president
or mrs. president
don’t know which
either way don’t matter
at all

dear president
please help me feel like part of the american community
the community which is supposed to support the
“american dream”
i feel excluded as i always have felt
this way as well

all this time
i have been an outsider in my own home
not really my family life am i addressing here
but the entirety of americans in general

there have been some nice ones
ones that are people
people who live near me
in the american community which i have spoken of.

the people don’t address differences well
those in my school, teachers or students
those in the workplace, managers or employees

you say, everyone is welcome,
whether you have a disability or not
but then are they actually welcome
the truth is
no one wants to hire someone with a disability
it inconveniences them

it makes them have to do more work for the small amount you are
paid to do.

your job is never done though,
no harm no foul.

so president,
help me succeed.

what i avoid doing
is going outside
because there’s bugs and small rodents
i would like to avoid
at all costs

but due to my avoidance
i end up having a vitamin d deficiency
what does this mean for me?
more pills to swallow every day
so it’s not really up my alley
so up your anti
shine inside
instead of outside with the bugs and small rodents

leave me be
o please.

puppies turn into dogs
kittens turn into cats
mice turn into rats
no they don’t

spring turns into fall
dandelions turn into seeds
caterpillars turn into butterflies
cupcakes turn into muffins
no they don’t

of all of God’s creatures we are obsessed with birth, youth, life.
no one is interested in the later years when we turn old and grey
when death is at our door.
when we pee out all the liquid we ever drank
yes we do
and it’s not pretty
it’s grotesque, disgusting, and emasculating.

no one wants to grow, but here we are growing
yes we are.
everyone i know has peter pan syndrome
no they don’t.
YES THEY DO.

that’s all.

dark clouds
dark shrouds
it’s not enough so there’s
shadows, puddles
laughter, wet O’s

falling dancing
direction, invention
try stopping
try starting
tripping more falling

perfection election
heavy weights and night sweats
waking up to thunder
blunders
lightning
lighting

power turns off
power goes out
all night alone
in a dark house

hot flashes
light flashes
who knows where to go
snort some blow
infection injection

start the drugs
for a rehab stint
have your arm in a slint.

phone service
phone signal
no ringing
no singing

dark clouds

specked eggs
plastic eggs
carrot chocolate candy and socks.
this is easter day

church palms blood and songs
this is the easter day

welcome to my life are you
this is the easter day

meaningless sex and bunnies too, this is the easter day.

what does my future hold?

o great one do you not already know yourself?

of course not you shiny prick!

how could i know something that lays ahead of me?

look behind you your majesty and you will see the pattern of the future.

“the pattern of the future” how indifferent could a mirror be

only as indifferent as you are my queen, for you created me.

i created you to tell me things i do not know or understand

o thou, that which you ask is impossible to create, not even with the magic you posess.

foils and diamonds
shiny marbled colors
everyone paints

hating the purpose
hating the reason
wanting something

everyone follows the tradition
painting and coloring eggs